The Shame Spiral

Our work this week is to notice SHAME.

I happen to be noticing A LOT of it.

Have you been on the receiving end of it? Has someone told you that you weren’t doing social distancing right? Or that you asked the wrong anti-racist question? Or posted on social media the wrong way? Has some “shoulded” on you?

If you have been on the receiving end of it, I am sorry, that sucks.

I have been there.

Our job here is to love the shamers. To not even call them shamers. To just love them. They are scared and they are doing they’re best, they are humans, just like us. We have shamed others at one point too, no?

Truly ask yourself from an open place:

Have you been shaming others? If you are doling out shame to get people to act in a certain way, just be really nice to yourself, and stop it.

Also, as much as I hate to admit it,

Been there.

If you think there is just maybe even a touch of shame in what you are communicating, check yourself.

Shaming will make people respond in the EXACT opposite way you want them to.

This will ADD to the problem. This will create MORE division.

Our job here is to love ourselves, take a good look at why we were doing this and stop it. And add some more love.

Have you been shaming yourself? This usually looks like:

“I should be doing more”

“I shouldn’t haven’t said that”

“Was I being racist?”

“What’s wrong with me?”

“I should have been better”

Also, been there right with you.

Our job here, is yep, you guessed it, love yourself.

This will all be VERY uncomfortable.

That is okay. That means you are doing it right.

Have you wondered, okay so now what, what do I do with this shame?

Our job here is to feel our shame. Process our shame.

Feeling shame is not a problem.

But how do we do that?

We open to it, we allow it, we invite it in. Of course it is here. Expect it.

Literally talk to it. Tell it to come sit right down next to you.

Then describe it. 

Where is it in our bodies? Is it hard or soft? Fast? Moving? Does it have a shape. Stay with it.

Breathe.

Rinse.

Repeat.

When we don’t process our shame we overeat or overdrink or hide or do crap that leaves us burnt out or fat or just plain not ourselves.

So if you want to be an activist or you want to be the healthiest version of yourself or the best mom ever, you MUST first notice shame and then process shame.

It is hard but it is the only way.