Episode 129 | Prioritizing Pleasure with Danielle Savory
I was mega excited to sit down recently with Danielle Savory and talk all things sexy time!
Danielle is an expert in the fields of neuropsychology, mindfulness, sexual pleasure and intimacy. I wanted to find out how our community of Yum Mums can truly start embracing their own sexual pleasure and Danielle’s insights do not disappoint! Our convo was not directly about weight loss, but there were so many parallels that we uncovered, especially when it comes to the importance of brain work.
I know a lot of Yum Mums out there are battling things like body shame, disconnect, health issues, or simply just not wanting it. Then we beat ourselves up about not giving our partners what we are told we should be providing. Women have been told throughout history that their own desires and needs are secondary to those of their male counterparts.
And quite frankly, it’s BS!
Even today, there are so many women who struggle to fully embrace and enjoy their own sexual pleasure. This can manifest in lots of ways, from difficulty achieving orgasm to feelings of shame or guilt around sexual desires.
So how can we switch the narrative to become active participants in our own sexual experiences?
Danielle has personally experienced that transformation. After suffering from chronic pain and health issues, Danielle was bedridden for the better part of 2 years. This happened right after she got married, when she was supposed to be enjoying the “honeymoon phase” and starting to think about having children.
Except she didn't want to have sex. She didn’t even want to be touched.
Struggling with fertility alongside this, she simply felt like her body was failing her.
During this time, Danielle explored the practice of mindfulness, finding her breath and connecting with her “inner narrative”. She soon started noticing how she could apply these skills to improve her pleasure and to be able to hold space for the chronic pain that she was feeling, as well as the pleasure that she was wanting.
How negative body image impacts pleasure and intimacy
If you’ve ever been feeling negative about the way your body looks, you might have experienced that shudder when your partner unexpectedly touches you…
Ever wondered why that is?
You as the woman were always presented to be desirable.
We became these objects of pleasure rather than ever being taught how to tap into our body to figure out our own desire.
And when you're learning about sex and pleasure through the lens of being desirable, it makes so much sense why we would shudder to be touched.
In your brain, you’re thinking that because you don’t think you look great, your partner will think that too. And so if the aim for us was to be desirable to someone else, we’re going to immediately shut down that touch because we do not feel desirable at that moment. Why would we set ourselves up for failure?
If we can leave that space of needing to feel desirable in order to be sexual, and realize that you get to be sensual and feel what it’s like to receive touch, you can start to make that switch to experiencing things as a sensual being. You get to be turned on, and you’re no longer that giver of pleasure. You are not just an object to turn the other person on. The hurdle we need to overcome is the assumption that our partner is judging us in the same way that we are.
When it comes to touch, these are some possibilities about why you might feel resistance:
1: You have a negative body image and are not feeling good in your body.
2: You are worried about committing to something that you are not sure you want (e.g. sex)
If you’re experiencing these scenarios, here are some ways to deal with it:
Give yourself permission to always say no, no matter what, and at any given time. This is a lot easier said than done because we have unfortunately become so conditioned to just going along with things and not wanting to upset or disappoint our partners.
Schedule sex! Cue eye rolls and doubting whether your partner would be ino that…
But scheduling sex is actually an amazing way for partners to keep intimacy and satisfaction alive. If you do have a partner who is resistant to do that, know that YOU can still schedule for yourself when you’d be open to it and when to lean in or not. Then if the spontaneous touches happen that you’re not sure about, your ‘no’ becomes more of a ‘not right now’ and you can continue to build the foreplay until the time it’s scheduled.
Delicious dopamine
One of the big questions I ask as a weight loss coach is how we can fill our cup in ways where we’re not looking for destructive dopamine hits from things that might not serve us well (e.g. sugary, processed foods).
There are many studies that show the benefits of sensual pleasure, including sexual pleasure. In sensual pleasure, it’s all about tapping into your senses, slowing down, and receiving from a place of a balanced nervous system. When you absorb that nourishing pleasure, even from something as simple as being really present when putting lotion on, you're getting out of that stress cycle.
Having sex literally changes the structure of your brain. This can affect things like our mood, cognitive function, and blood pressure regulation. In addition to the physiological benefits, the positive impact of embracing your sexuality also lies in the traits that you are turning towards: compassion, connection, enjoyment, and being bold. Resting and receiving rather than doing, doing, doing all the time will bleed out into all areas of your life, like being more present with your kids.
When it comes to pleasure, you also can’t lie about the way you’re treating yourself. When you really settle into receiving this, your body doesn't lie. You can't make yourself receive pleasure. Your internal compass can always tell how you’ve been treating yourself by your level of desire in the evening. If you’ve been beating yourself up all day, your desire is probably a lot lower than if you’ve been talking kindly to yourself.
What if I don’t feel comfortable in my body?
Do not panic - you don't have to wait or do a bunch of work just to feel like you can have sex!
You don't have to heal everything, and go through every trauma to be open to pleasure. It can and does happen quickly.
One thing you can do right away, is open up to receiving pleasure in the morning. Choose something you already do as part of your morning routine, but do it with a different mindset. This could be something like shampooing your hair. Think about when you go to a salon and how luxurious it feels having your hair done. Try feeling your fingers run along your scalp, and focus on being the receiver. Really tune into your senses, instead of thinking about all of the other usual stresses running through your mind.
Women are responsive, men are spontaneous
If you’ve ever wondered why women seem to take longer than men to “warm up” before sex, it’s important to understand how desire happens.
Women are generally more associated with having responsive desires, which means our body has to actually be turned on before we want it. Action first, then desire. On the other hand, most men experience spontaneous desire, so they start wanting it before the action happens.
We might beat ourselves up for not wanting it when they want it all the time, but really it’s probably down to the fact we have a different type of desire. We just have to be willing to put ourselves in a position of action.
This is so much like when you’re not really in the mood to exercise, so you put your gym shoes on to get you going. Once you do that, it’s pretty likely you’ll end up in the gym.
When you understand that about yourself, you stop feeling shame for not wanting it all the time.
How do sex hormones play into desire?
Think about if you need the sun to be in a good mood.
You don’t need it, but it certainly helps.
This analogy is super useful for understanding the role of sex hormones. There are natural cycles where we have surges of particular hormones, but they are not the be all and end all. Hormones are one thing we can do to help, but the real fix is in the brain (just like with weight loss!)
How can we create eroticism and pleasure with someone we have been with for so long?
Eroticism lies in a place of mystery and mystery lies in a place of not knowing, which is a novelty. This is why a lot of couples look to ‘spice things up’ after a while or why some people even turn to opening up their marriages or cheating on their partner.
There are lots of new things you can do, such as experimenting with new things like role play, but the real power is learning how to create novelty with the brain.
If you want to learn more about how to tap into this novelty, Danielle offers a free course called FRESH, where you look at how to be more present and prompt the brain to look at things in a quizzical way to help you get turned on. It helps you to look at things with a novelty and increase curiosity, rather than just assuming what will happen next.
More about Danielle
Danielle Savory is a master certified coach, podcast host, and expert in the fields of neuropsychology, mindfulness, sexual pleasure and intimacy. Danielle brings a unique perspective to coaching, helping clients understand the ways in which the brain and body are interconnected and how this connection can be harnessed to experience the sensual pleasure the body is wired for.
As the host of the popular podcast "It's My Pleasure," Danielle has explored a wide range of topics related to sexuality, relationships, and personal growth - empowering women to embrace their sexuality and prioritize their pleasure. Danielle is a master certified coach with over 10 years of experience coaching hundreds of women with her proven process of increasing desire and expanding orgasmic capacity
Instagram: @thepracticeofpleasure
Facebook: Danielle Savory Coaching
Access Danielle’s FREE course: FRESH, which aims to elevate passionate connection & bring sensuality to the forefront of your relationship